HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Where your losses are our historical data.”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: April 29, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: The SuperBowl for the Unemployed
Listen up, you liquidity-providing masochists,
Today was the SuperBowl for finance bros and a huge week for the unemployed. With 37% of the S&P 500 market cap reporting in a single 24-hour window, we’ve entered a kill zone where logic goes to die and portfolios are ripped to shreds. Between Daddy Powell’s refusal to leave the building and the Mag 7 dropping beats that the market somehow hated, it’s a great day to be a bag holder.
MSFT: Redmond’s finest tried to stunt, but the market is a cruel mistress. Despite claims that their backlog has doubled, investors freaked out because OpenAI is burning cash faster than a WSB degenerate on 0DTEs. If you bought calls on Monday, you’re currently cooked well done.
GOOGL: The undisputed machine of the group. With a 95% earnings beat, owning this stock makes you feel like God’s favorite child. Some retards are even claiming it should be worth more than NVIDIA. Sundar apparently found an infinite money glitch through Anthropic gains.
META: Zuckerberg is back to being a cuck. Revenue is up 33% YoY, which is insane for a company this size, but the market decided to send it to the abyss anyway. If you bought calls, you’re currently eating ice soup for dinner.
INTC: Meemaw is smiling from the heavens. After being a meme for years, Intel is hitting new highs despite the fact that they can't even align the numbers in their 10-Q properly. It turns out that diamond hands powered by trauma is actually a viable strategy.
SOFI: The classic "beat and get nuked" play. They met EPS, but a 27% drop in tech platform revenue was enough to send shares into a tailspin. Apparently, being a tech bank doesn't matter if your tech is dying.
HOOD: Robinhood got robbed. Everyone who held HOOD calls was hoping to break even so they could responsibly reinvest in the S&P 500, but they just got rekt instead.
RDDT: The consensus is building that Reddit will beat earnings and then drop 15%. Some brave souls are going all in because the site has porn and people like porn. Godspeed, you magnificent bastards.
AMZN: Andy Jassy delivered an EPS of $2.78 vs. $1.66 estimates, and the market’s response was “go f*** yourself.” It’s almost like fundamentals are just a fancy hallucination for people who don't trade on vibes.
VAL/SDRL/NE: While the tech bros are crying, the offshore drillers are printing. With oil hitting $122 thanks to the Hormuz bottleneck, "Unhedged Torque" is the only thing keeping some portfolios from total annihilation.
ASTS: Cooking its investors alive. It’s a satellite company without satellites, and while you’re down double digits, at least your portfolio is red in 5G.
CAR: Special shoutout to the absolute legend who put 70 bands on a weekly contract while Avis was collapsing. That’s peak retardation and we salute your sacrifice at the altar of the lunch buffet.
PSUS: Bill Ackman’s new IPO is having a terrible debut. After the PSTH disaster, only a true regard would buy into another Ackman vehicle. The man is a scumbag and we wish him a very happy Chapter 11.
The only man standing between us and total economic chaos is Jerome Powell, the last remaining adult in the room. He’s staying on the Fed board specifically to piss off the Mango and keep us from burning the house down. If you’re still holding cash like a retired billionaire, you’re a pussy, but at least you’re not down 90% on puts while the market hits new all-time highs.
See you at the Wendy’s dumpster,
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management