HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Yesterday’s Gains Are Today’s Tax Write-offs”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: April 19, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: The Hormuz Snip-Snap and Other Ways to Lose Your Shirt
Greetings, degenerates and future Wendy’s shift managers,
Welcome to another Sunday night of descending into madness while being sucked into a vortex of stupid. The general market mood is currently being dictated by the "Schrodinger’s Strait" of Hormuz—it is simultaneously open and closed depending on which billionaire or foreign official is tweeting. While the infinite money glitch of "peace talks" pumps and "war escalation" dumps continues, the big banks are laughing all the way to record trading profits. Meanwhile, earnings season has already nuked the likes of NFLX and TSM, leaving us all praying to the gods of the casino that the bull run isn't ending this week.
[TSLA]: The sentiment is a chaotic mix of "Elon is nuts" and "buy the dip." Bulls are betting that bad news is already priced in, even if the company files for bankruptcy. The real catalyst? Hopes that Musk announces sex bots or a SpaceX merger to pump his bag.
[INTC]: The herd is preparing to betray Nana by loading up on puts. The consensus is that Intel always goes down no matter what happens, and bears are praying for her soul while they wait for the dump.
[ASTS]: It’s a total fiasco after the BB7 satellite was deployed into a low orbit by Blue Origin. Bears expect the stock price to de-orbit on Monday, while some call it a generational buying opportunity.
[META]: Zuck is planning to axe 8,000 more people as the Metaverse project continues to be a total flop. Naturally, the market views mass suffering as bullish af, with calls being the play of choice.
[GOOG]: Alphabet is in talks with Marvell to build AI chips to rival Nvidia. While some think it’s unironically bullish, others are tired of the AI bubble narrative being used to pump valuations every other day.
[MSTR]: Michael Saylor’s textbook Ponzi scheme is still making people "Saylor Moon" goons. Investors are essentially paying a massive premium to buy Bitcoin through a structure that adds leverage and dick-in-a-nutcracker risk.
[RDDT]: The stakes for Reddit's results are personal. One user claims that if they miss earnings, his wife will finally leave him. It's the only IPO that matters to the automated accounts still lurking here.
[ATAI/MNMD]: Psychedelics are back on the menu after Trump signaled a mental illness treatment acceleration. Investing in mushrooms is seen as a genius level hedge because the only way this economy makes sense is if you are actively tripping.
[NOW]: This ticker is considered insanely important for determining if the software sector is actually oversold or just trash. It’s basically NOW or never for the bulls.
[COST]: Financial freedom has reached a new peak now that you can finance a $1.50 hotdog in four interest-free payments. It’s a sign of the times and a testament to the discipline of the "glizzy" grind.
[HOOD]: YOLO calls are flying as trading volumes rise on SPY and oil. Some regards are betting their last 11% battery on a pump before the inevitable post-earnings dump.
[RTX]: War is a racket, and the back orders for missiles are looking juicy. Expect record profits from arms sales as the global situation continues to deteriorate.
[UNH]: Investors are just begging this ticker not to be a bitch during earnings. It’s the healthcare play for people who like to play the casino with insurance premiums.
If you are feeling bad about your portfolio, just remember that Isaac Newton was also shit at trading, probably because he wasn't an insider. The market doesn't care about your fundamentals or your "mental health"—it only cares about AI, mass layoffs, and whether a specific body of water in the Middle East is currently "clopen."
Stay thirsty, and remember: you can't pay a margin call with EBT.
Warmly, from the dumpster behind the Wendy's,
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management