HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Buy high, sell low, and let the taxpayers handle the rest.”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: April 17, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: The Strait to My Heart is Closed, But My Margins are Open
My fellow Portfolio-Arsonists,
Welcome to the only support group where gambling addicts encourage one another to set their children's college funds on fire. We are currently witnessing an alive cat launch so vertical it makes the laws of physics look like a "suggestion." While the rest of the world worries about regional wars and jet fuel shortages, this market has decided to pump harder than a shitcoin for 15 straight days. Geopolitical tensions? Priced in. Fundamental valuations? Defunct concepts. If you aren’t feeling extreme FOMO right now, you probably still have a soul, and that’s why you’re poor.
THE TRENDING TICKERS
[SPY]: The absolute fate of the economy rests on this ticker staying unhinged. We’ve seen a straight vertical run that ignores geopolitical tensions entirely. One regard is even offering to post his posterior if it hits 750 next week—which, in this market, is practically a guarantee.
[TSLA]: The sentiment is a chaotic mix of "priced in" bankruptcy and sex robots. Some believe Musk will fold it into SpaceX to make the stock rocket, while others are just betraying their nanas to load up on whatever Elonia says next.
[NFLX]: Absolutely plummeted 8% because they doubled earnings but gave "disappointing guidance." It turns out charging a 150% premium for mediocre content and password-blocking your sister makes people cancel their subscriptions.
[INTC]: The consensus is simple: Puts. Why? Because Intel always goes down no matter what happens in the real world. Fundamentals are dead, but Intel’s ability to bleed is eternal.
[AMD]: A shining beacon of degeneracy. One user managed to pay for a $19k home repair just by gambling on calls. It’s the AMD way: either fix the boiler or live in the cold forever.
[ORCL]: Provided a legendary ride for those with heart conditions. We’re talking about a portfolio that went from down payment to slumlord-renting and back to a house in ten days. It's basically a Six Flags attraction for your bank account.
[BIRD]: Allbirds attempted a delusional AI pivot, proving that putting sensors in sneakers doesn't make them fly. It’s being hailed as the next meme stock because nothing says "investment" like a shoe company that thinks it’s OpenAI.
[AMC]: The analysis here is peak WSB: a guy went to a movie, couldn't find a middle-row ticket, and dropped $270k on it. Clearly, a packed theater for one screening is enough to out-due Roaring Kitty.
[NVDA]: Michael Burry is sweating on his puts while everyone else ignores his "earnings illusion" warnings. He claims Stock-Based Comp is a scam, but the market says bulls get lambos and bears get body chalk.
[HIMS]: Multiple 100-baggers were spotted in the wild this week. Some greedy pig bastards are still holding, while the smart ones went cash gang after pocketing $200k.
[USO]: Oil holders are currently in a state of extreme coping as the Strait of Hormuz acts like a light switch. Is it open? Is it closed? Doesn't matter, oil bulls are delivering our food tonight.
[PL]: Planet Labs saw 2000% gains for one lucky regard who remembers that this is, first and foremost, a casino.
[NOK]: Some are loading calls just to see if they can execute them for the sheer irony. It’s the ultimate "you won't do it" play.
In conclusion, remember that the market can stay retarded longer than you can stay married. If you're a gey ber, please accept my condolences on your extinction. For the rest of you, don't worry about the tax man yet—you'll probably lose it all by Monday morning anyway.
May your calls be green and your wife's boyfriend be supportive,
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management