HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Buy high, sell low, and blame it on the algorithms.”

To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: April 08, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: The Art of the Squeal: Ceasefires, Straight Gaps, and Nana’s Revenge

Listen up, you yield-starved degenerate pool-boys,

The market is currently a dumpster fire inside a diplomatic incident, wrapped in a casino that only takes payments in "trust me bro." We’re currently navigating the fallout of a two-week ceasefire brokered by the Mango that lasted exactly long enough for the ink to dry before everyone started blasting again. While the White House is busy insisting the Strait of Hormuz is totally open, the actual ships are apparently parked in Da Nile. It’s a classic "Taco Tuesday" pump-and-dump scenario where the news is fake, the oil infrastructure is sustaining years of damage, and the S&P is still climbing Shrek dildos because fundamentals are for people who still use physical wallets.

[TSLA]: Our favorite ban bet regular just extended their record to 2 wins and 188 losses. Truly the North Star of our investment philosophy.

[SPY]: Massive geopolitical shifts are happening every three hours, yet the index remains green as fuck. Bears are currently hibernating at Hormuz while long-term "investors" realize that even the heat death of the universe is already priced in.

[USO/Oil]: Total carnage. Some geniuses shorted the top of the ceasefire announcement, while others are loading more on the dip because ships are being turned away and Iran is charging tolls like a global highwayman.

[META]: Zuck debuted a new AI model, but the only thing anyone noticed was the guy who turned $46k into $4M on OTM calls in 30 minutes. Classic insider trading machine, but hey, the "Muse Spark" might be Metapocalypse 2.0.

[INTC]: Nana’s inheritance has been redeemed. After months of bullying, the "Intel Grandma" play is finally green, proving that if you hold through a fire sale, government bailout money will eventually carry you home.

[MSFT]: Investors are calling it a piece of sh*t stock while others are octupling down on leaps. Apparently, it’s going to $1k or zero, with no in-between.

[QQQ]: One brave soldier turned 5 years of 100k losses into a break-even miracle. He's getting out now, which means the tech moon-mission is officially confirmed.

[NBIS]: Realized a $704K profit because sometimes the casino forgets to fix the machines. This stock is basically Baccarat for people who like a 50/50 chance of going broke.

[TTD]: Bears are shorting naked calls because of "vibe coding" and SEC audits. It’s either a genius play on the death of SaaS or a one-way ticket to infinite loss potential.

[UAL]: Gambled on the Orange Man’s war timeline and actually won. It’s a temporary win, but a win nonetheless.

[SNDK/MU]: Roasters are quiet today after a monster $577k win. Turns out holding to zero or moon works if you have huge balls.

[DOCN]: Targeted by a gay bear who found Allah and 1DTE calls. Alhamdulillah, money is back.

[CAVA]: The only real indicator of war is whether crayon sales are spiking in Northern Virginia. Forget the pizza index.

Between the Fed openly flirting with rate hikes and the Pentagon ordering late-night Dominos, the smart money is already at the bar. If you see B-52s in the air, just assume it’s bullish for tech.

Stay solvent (or don't),

Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management