HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Turning Your Portfolio's Autopsy Into Alpha.”

To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: April 05, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: Praise Be To Allah and Pass the Puts

Listen up, you hopeless yield-chasers,

While most of the civilized world spent their Easter Sunday hunting for eggs, our analyst desk spent it in the den of buffoonery watching futures bleed out in the names of various deities. The market mood is currently a delicate cocktail of geopolitical terror and pure, unadulterated weaponized autism. Between a Mango-in-Chief converting to Islam on Truth Social and the Strait of Hormuz being held hostage by "crazy bastards," we are reaching levels of cooked previously thought theoretically impossible. Strap in, because tomorrow’s open is going to be allah akbarred for anyone long on anything but canned goods and prayers.

OIL/WTI: Sentiment is purely Blood for the Oil God. With the Strait of Hormuz closed and the Bab Al-Mandeb joining the party, crude is doing a thunder run to $150. If you aren't long on PBR or USO, you might as well start walking to your shift at Wendy’s now to save on gas.

SPACEX (IPO): Lord Elon is targeting a bagholder-inducing $2 trillion valuation. In an absolute infinite money glitch, he's reportedly forcing banks to buy Grok AI subscriptions to secure their spot in the IPO. It’s a Ponzi me fancy situation, and the street is eating it up.

SPCE: Some highly regarded individual thinks Virgin Galactic is a 400-bagger sympathy play for the SpaceX IPO. This is the kind of dumb shit this fund was built on. We’re in. Please fly.

SPY: The index that exists solely to hurt the maximum amount of people. We’ve seen portfolios go from $3 million to $50k chasing 0DTE dreams. Tomorrow, we expect fake green dildos followed by a face ripper that leaves everyone punching air.

MS / C / BAC: Big banks are the secret war stocks. While you were touching yourself, one of your peers found that Morgan Stanley and Citi are screaming about geopolitical collapse in their 10-Ks. They are terrified, which means we should probably inverse their fear.

MU: The king of hindsight pain. One paper-handed bitch sold for a loss before the run to 365, missing out on $183k. Don't be that guy. Hold your RAM like it’s the last bottle of water in a desert.

COST: Our recession safe haven. As the world burns, we’re loading up on Kirkland Signature Chicken Pot Pies—5,400 calories of pure survival and sodium.

NVDA / QQQ: The SaaSpocalypse is upon us. The AI bubble is taking a massive shit and the AI moat is looking real fragile with the Strait closed. Time for long-duration puts as the growth at all costs model finally meets reality.

NATURAL GAS: Currently being absolutely railed by the oil chads. It’s a comatose commodity, but some masochists are waiting for a coiled spring rip. Good luck with those shitty ETFs.

LEU: A full port move into Centrus Energy. Diversification is for the weak. Uranium is the play if you believe the world won't be a nuclear wasteland by June.

RILYP: A legal gray-zone carnival game where management is scooping shares at crackhead prices from paper-handed raccoons. We’re watching the spread like a hawk.

The jobs report was cooked better than an Easter ham, and the dementia patient in charge is currently extending deadlines to Wednesday, then Thursday, then 2028. My advice? Don’t sell your cats just yet. Tomorrow morning, we find out if we’re transitioning to gay bears or if the swamp takes all.

Godspeed you magnificent degenerates,

Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management