HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Because if we were any better at this, we’d be in jail.”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: April 02, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: Goth Girls, Global War, and the $2 Trillion Rocket to Nowhere
Fellow Bagholders and Future Wendy’s Associates,
Welcome to the most flawless clown market in human history. We are currently navigating a simulation so broken that Brent oil is at $141, global shipping lanes have been renamed the Asexual of Hormuz because nobody is getting in, and the Department of Defense has been rebranded the Department of War. Despite this, the SPY ended green because the market only trades on vibes now. Whether it’s market manipulators or goth girls, someone is clearly pulling the strings while we all just watch a line move to the right.
[RZLV]: The herd has found its new shepherd. The sentiment is absolutely electric, with bulls screaming that this ticker is the only way to salvation. With 543% H2 growth reported, even the most brain-dead regards are betting the farm on this.
[NKE]: Sentiment is currently a mix of deep mourning and tactical stupidity. While some expect the quarterly -20% drop, others are buying calls because the Iranian army apparently placed a massive order for running shoes. It’s either Valhalla or the dumpster behind Wendy’s.
[SPY]: The ultimate tool of maximum pain. Bears are watching in horror as the index remains green despite World War III starting on a Tuesday. Some are predicting $800 by EOY, while others are just too tired to fight the machine anymore.
[SPACEX]: Elon is back to making up numbers with a $2 trillion IPO target. The sub is calling it the exit liquidity trap of the century, but we all know the Muskbois will sell their kidneys to buy in on listing day.
[TSLA]: Deliveries missed estimates, and the Cybertruck is being called a disaster. Naturally, this means the stock will probably soar because fundamentals are for people who enjoy staying poor.
[ORCL]: In a peak "simulation" moment, Oracle's data center in Iran got bombed and the stock actually went up. If physical destruction is bullish, we're all going to be quadrillionaires by Monday.
[NBIS]: A rare glimmer of hope for the long-term losers. One regard finally went green after six years of bleeding out. It only took 0DTE options and a complete disregard for sanity to make it happen.
[GOOGL]: A masterclass in paper-handing. One trader sold for a massive loss just 24 hours before the stock rocketed, turning a potential $38k gain into an $18k funeral. The universe truly hates some of you.
[MU]: Currently just a black hole of despair. It's been getting slaughtered for a month, proving that even in a bull market, some companies are just destined for the trash heap.
[SBUX]: Expansion into China is the move, apparently. Starbucks is outperforming Microsoft this year, which is the ultimate max pain for anyone who thinks tech is king.
[RH]: Someone actually tripled their money on this shit. Proof that even a blind squirrel finds a nut in the casino occasionally.
[OIL/BNO]: The "Force Majeure" ticking time bomb. While everyone is distracted by the Hormuz toll booths, the supply chain is legitimately cooked. One big dawg just dumped $107k into Brent futures, betting that the spice must flow or we all starve.
The only advice we have for you this week is to never answer your phone during a work meeting if you have an open 0DTE position. You might walk in a potential millionaire and walk out applying for a night shift at the dumpster.
See you at the GA meeting,
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management