HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Where our 20/20 vision only works on yesterday’s charts.”

To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: April 01, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: April Fools, the War is Over (Maybe)

Greetings, Fellow Degenerates and Future Inhabitants of the Wendy’s Dumpster,

The market is currently a bipolar mess of geopolitical theater and high-stakes gambling. Between the "Mango" in Chief promising peace one minute and boots on the ground the next, our portfolios are swinging harder than a stripper on a Tuesday morning. We’ve seen a relief rally built on pure hopium, while the realists are panic-selling just in time to miss the next pump. It’s pure chaos, and frankly, we wouldn't have it any other way.

[SPACEX]: Elon filed for an IPO on April Fools' Day, likely because he needs cash to pay back his lenders for the X disaster. While fanboys scream about the moon, the smart money is bracing for the biggest rug pull in history.

[OPENAI]: Valued at $852 billion, which is basically a trillion dollars of garbage depending on who you ask. It’s the ultimate Ponzi scheme designed to let VCs dump their bags on retail at the IPO.

[NKE]: Reporting dogshit earnings as per usual. The sub is loading up on puts to Valhalla, betting that the Iranian army’s order for running shoes won’t be enough to save the stock.

[RZLV]: The newest shiny object for the herd. Everyone is shouting that it's the way and it's gonna be huge, which is our internal signal to prepare for a massive dumpster fire.

[MSFT]: A total "humiliation ritual" for anyone who bought the top. Bagholders are feeling like failures while Microsoft sits at the "loser's table" watching Google and Apple eat its lunch.

[SPY]: The volatility index is essentially a coin flip. While some wiped out a month of gains with puts, others are betting $110k that a ground invasion will send everything drilling.

[FLY]: Firefly Aerospace is getting the deep-dive treatment. It supposedly tracked every Iranian missile and is being called the "Palantir of space," though critics say it’s just a dodgy rocket company with better marketing.

[LLY]: Eli Lilly got FDA approval for a weight-loss pill. It’s a guaranteed print because Americans will do literally anything except eat a vegetable.

[GOOGL]: One legendary regard paper-handed their calls at a 95% loss just 24 hours before a massive moonshot. It’s a painful reminder that the universe wants to F you dry.

[INTEL]: Whether long or short, Intel remains a mess. Every move is just an excuse to remind us of the grandma-legacy-fund kid who went long at the top.

[MRVL]: Marvell is providing the gain porn we need, turning a desperate yolo to breakeven into a $420k win. It’s the "weed number" of success.

[VIX]: Playing with volatility when the retard-in-chief is tweeting is a masterclass in losing $85k in a single day.

[ADP]: The jobs report is a total joke. 58k of the 62k jobs were in healthcare and education, meaning the economy is basically just boomers needing diapers.

The market can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent. If the economy is being stabbed from every side, just remember that hopium is the only currency that hasn't been devalued yet.

Yours in perpetual insolvency,

Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management