HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Buy high, sell low, blame Mango.”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: March 31, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: Peace Talk Pumps, Peptide Summers, and the 401(k) Rug Pull
My fellow Hindsight Global Degenerates,
The market is currently running on pure regardium after a day where we pumped 3% based on unconfirmed reports that the Iranian President might be open to a truce. Of course, the fact that the JOLTS data is more cooked than a well-done steak at Applebee’s didn’t stop the bulls from stampeding. Between the Mango-in-Chief telling allies to go get their own oil and the looming threat of the IRGC striking data centers, we at Hindsight Capital have decided the only safe haven left is a Wendy’s dumpster.
SPY: The 0DTE casino claimed many souls today. We watched one legendary bear lose $20k because he decided to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher while he was up, only to see the position flip to zero. Meanwhile, others are betting the farm on puts, convinced this is the fakest pump in centuries.
NKE: Puts are the clear path to Valhalla or the Wendy’s employment line. The consensus is that earnings will be dogshit, and the stock is destined to drop $10 every year like clockwork.
OPENAI: Our favorite nonprofit is now valued at $852 billion despite burning through cash like a money furnace. It’s a giant Ponzi scheme designed to provide exit liquidity for Scam Altman.
RZLV: This ticker is being shilled so hard it’s starting to look like a desperate plea for help. But hey, some people are convinced it's going to be huge.
ORCL: Larry Ellison’s asshat company is laying off 30,000 people to fund its AI spending spree. The infinite money glitch: fire the humans, buy the GPUs, repeat.
HIMS: Chad summer is back on as the FDA prepares to lift restrictions on peptides. Expect a new epidemic of SARM goblins injecting themselves with untested bullshit for maximum vanity gains.
MU: Micron is the ultimate margin call magnet. One 25-year-old lost $70k on shares alone, while the memory market faces brutal headwinds.
BIRD: Allbirds just liquidated for $39 million after being valued at $4 billion. It’s the kind of reverse-WSB gains that make us look like financial geniuses.
OIL: Forever war is confirmed. Oil is heading to $169 while Mango talks about his ballroom and tells everyone else to go get their own.
HELIUM: South Korea’s chipmakers are running out of helium by June. Since the stuff is escaping the atmosphere, your portfolio’s value is likely follow it into space.
401(k) / CRYPTO: The ultimate rug pull is here. Trump wants to let you invest your retirement in shitcoins and private equity. It’s a plan to turn the American public into exit liquidity for the wealthy before the next big crash.
If you’re feeling stupid, just remember that Pete Hegseth tried to use insider info on an Iran strike and still lost money. Tomorrow is April Fools' Day, which will likely be the funniest dump in history when everyone realizes the "peace talks" were just unconfirmed hopium.
Stay leveraged, you beautiful idiots,
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management