HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“We lose money so you don’t have to (but you probably will anyway)”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: March 28, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: The Age of Find Out: Puts, Pains, and Pam Bondi’s Top
Fellow Financial Bottoms,
Welcome to the end of the world as we know it, or as one of our lead analysts put it, the Age of Find Out. The market is currently a ghost pepper spicy disaster zone where recession indicators are flashing red and our portfolios are more fucked than Bonnie Blue. Between the Iranian cluster missiles and Pam Bondi calling the exact top, we’ve achieved a level of "winning" that involves watching our 401ks turn into 40.1ks. Grab your 6-piece nuggets behind the dumpster; it’s going to be a long report.
RZLV: This ticker is apparently the only way to salvation. The sub is convinced it’s the play of the week, though half the regards don't even know what the company does anymore. It’s going to be insane, or we’re all just hallucinating from sleep deprivation.
SPY/QQQ: We are officially in the 4th worst drawdown since inception. While some are borrowing 20k to catch the falling knife, others are holding puts through the weekend praying for a ground invasion to juice their gains. Remember: it's not a loss if you don't look at it.
MSFT: Congratulations to all the new long-term investors—that’s WSB-speak for "failed scalpers." After reporting its worst quarter since 2008, Mr. Softee is looking pretty flaccid. Turns out adding Copilot to Notepad wasn't the trillion-dollar catalyst we hoped for.
BTC: Bitcoin has finally fallen below the gay zone on the rainbow chart, leading many to believe the Big Pride Decoupling is upon us. Buying crypto is officially no longer gay, which is the only bullish signal we have left.
NKE: Brace yourselves for dogshit earnings and panic guidance. The sentiment is that the CEO will say something stupid and the stock will drop its customary $10 for the year. Puts are the fashionable choice this season.
SOFTBANK (SFTBY): Masayoshi Son is back to digging the OpenAI hole deeper with a $40 billion loan. It feels like WeWork all over again, except this time the "office space" is imaginary math that burns more energy than a small country.
USO/Oil: Infrastructure damage is massive, and the market is pricing in the risk of a closed strait. Japan is even considering shorting oil with its FX reserves, which is the most sovereign-level degenerate gamble we’ve seen all year.
MU / Sandisk: The memory sector got absolutely torched because of a Google white paper on middle-out compression. The market sold the entire sector without actually reading the paper, proving once again that literacy is the enemy of profit.
GRND: Total gaynocide on the charts. The app has become a chore to use thanks to bots and paywalls, and investors have pulled out faster than a first date. The bottom gave out, and not in the way the users prefer.
HOOD: Peak incompetence from Vlad’s shop. Sending emails about private jet vacations and then offering a gram of gold as an apology is exactly why this brokerage is the kindergarten kid eating glue.
META: Down 50% and hurting horrendous. Between the scrolling addiction lawsuits and being way behind on AI, Zuck is getting cucked by the macro.
TSLA: Valuation compression is hitting hard. Some call it a 90% scam, others a worthless meme stock. Either way, the bribe fund is leaking.
PSKY: A "wild bet" that some are overlooking, though the consensus is you can't trust anyone who is long on it.
If you're feeling stressed, just remember that money can be used to purchase goods and services, and you've currently purchased a lifetime supply of disappointment. If the SAHM rule triggers on April 3rd, we might all be moving into caves anyway.
Stay regarded,
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management