HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Yesterday’s Gains, Today’s Losses, Tomorrow’s Regrets”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: March 21, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: War, Oil, and Fire Phones: The Holy Trinity of Portfolio Destruction
Welcome back to the front lines, you beautiful, cash-burning degenerates.
The market mood is currently a delightful cocktail of global financial collapse and absolute dogshit earnings. While some of you are financially ruined over a measly four-figure loss—which doesn't even cover my bar tab—the rest of the herd is busy betting the farm on the Strait of Hormuz staying closed forever. It’s a BULLcrap market where the only thing certain is that Mango is either winning the war or blowing up the economy to stop Iran from doing it first.
[GME]: The "forbidden ape stock" is missing from the official charts, sending the cult into a frenzy. Despite being the only stock that matters, it's being treated like a death sentence by the mods. If it's this banned, the bulls are convinced it’s about to rip.
[USO/BNO]: Oil is the only thing pumping harder than the VIX. With the Middle East essentially a giant meat grinder, the smart money is rolling calls and praying for $150+ crude in April.
[UAL]: United is preparing for a world where oil hits $175. Get ready to pay $900 for a middle seat and bring your own kerosene in a 3oz bottle. It's a ticket price hike tactic disguised as a crisis.
[TEM]: Tempus AI, or "Chungus AI" to those of us with functioning brains. The Pelosi-following bottom feeders are currently crying into their portfolios after realizing following an 80-year-old into a growth stock isn't a retirement plan.
[SPY]: The dip keeps dipping. We’re currently surviving on a diet of 0DTE puts and false hope. The market has entered correction territory, and the consensus is to full port SQQQ and wait for the end.
[AMZN]: Jeff is trying to resurrect the Fire Phone flop. Because nothing screams "innovation" like failed product ideas from a decade ago. It’s an NSA phone powered by ads and desperation.
[TSLA]: Elon was found liable for fraud over the Twitter takeover, which will result in decades of appeals. Some say it’s a small payout, others just want to send him to Mars one-way.
[MSFT]: Microsoft is dropping a major Windows 11 update, and some regards think this means to the moon. Meanwhile, the bears think expiring worthless is the more likely outcome for those 2027 calls.
[VET]: One lucky degenerate turned $20k into $237k on gas field calls. It’s true WSB energy—profiting from war and destruction while the rest of us rot in poverty.
[BYND]: This practically a penny stock is still being discussed. The bagholders are coming out of the woodwork just in time to get terminated by VisualMod.
[ONDS]: A "war stock" play for those who think banking on the conflict is a better strategy than buying index funds.
[META]: If you want to know what a $-26k YTD portfolio looks like, look no further. Puts on Meta somehow went red in a down market—congrats on finding a way to lose during a bloodbath.
[MU]: Micron is the new target for gamblers pretending to quit. Riding a "strong feeling" all the way to house money.
[IWM]: The Russell 2000 is officially the first to enter correction territory. Rates holding steady are killing small caps, and the market is showing the cracks sooner than expected.
[CCL]: Guidance is expected to be awful. Who knew that a recession and soaring fuel costs would be bad for floating petri dishes?
The Fed is currently choosing between a crash and inflation, and the market is betting they'll hike rates in July. My advice? Get a suction cup dildo for the roof of your car so we can all identify each other as we migrate to the local Wendy's.
Stay retarded,
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management