HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“We see the past with 20/20 vision and zero profit.”

To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: March 14, 2026 at 07:00 PM EDT
Subject: The Jefferson Standard and the Hummus Landing

Fellow Bagholders and Financial Bottom-Feeders,

The market is currently a beautiful, flaming dumpster fire, and we’re all just here for the warmth. We are officially navigating a Schrodinger’s War where the conflict is somehow both "very complete" and "just the beginning." GDP has been revised into the sewer, core inflation is stickier than a movie theater floor, and our only hope for salvation is apparently a stack of $2 bills and some guy’s YouTube OSINT obsession. Grab your helmets; it’s going to be a bumpy Monday.

MU: Micron’s earnings week is finally here, and the sub is praying for a miracle. Degens are booked out till 2027 and hoping management blows everyone during the call. Expect a move to 500 minimum or a one-way ticket to the Wendy’s dumpster.

$2 BILLS: Forget the gold standard; we’re moving to the Jefferson Standard. The plan is to trigger a deflationary spiral by withdrawing all our cash in "rare" bills and confusing zoomer cashiers who think it’s bunny bucks. It’s MIT-level autism at its finest.

SOC: Sable Offshore just got a Defense Production Act boost to start pumping oil. With 46% of the float shorted, we’re looking at a squeeze that could actually pay for your divorce attorney.

LULU: The "poots" are on the ground. Sentiment is bearish because if girls aren't buying makeup, they aren't buying expensive yoga pants. One investor’s wife spent $0 there last quarter, which is the only technical analysis we need.

META: Zuck is planning to cuck 1/5th of his staff to cover AI costs. Layoffs are bullish, because apparently, humans are a liability.

FED: A judge just blocked subpoenas against Big Dick Powell. You simply do not fuck with JPow, even if he’s dropping a soft landing straight into the Strait of Hormuz.

ADBE: CEO Narayen is stepping down after years of shafting loyal customers with subscription traps. Creative professionals are waiting for the day true competition finally kills them.

UCO/USO: Oil is the only play for tanker gang. With the Strait effectively blocked, the Treasury is reportedly shorting futures like a common r/WSB degenerate.

GOOGLE: Fiber is being sold to private equity, marking the next phase of enshittification. Expect 56k modem speeds at double the price by 2027.

AAPL: The slow burn is real. Bulls buying the dip are just catching falling knives, and the "no way it goes lower" crowd is about to get royally screwed.

OKLO: Everyone’s favorite nuclear pump is on deck. Will they report their first $1 in revenue? Who cares, calls are the way.

SLS: Just another classic WSB recommendation where you were the exit liquidity for a millionaire. If you see it on the front page, the bubble has already popped.

We’re likely heading for a bear market that’ll make 2022 look like a playground. But if you’re staring at a -500k loss on Monday morning, don’t panic. Just delete the app and refuse the call. If you owe the bank $100, it’s your problem; if you owe the bank $100k, it’s theirs.

With zero conviction and a heavy reliance on crayon-eating analysts,

Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management