HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“We told you so, but we didn’t listen to ourselves either.”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: March 07, 2026 at 07:00 PM EST
Subject: Iran Outta Money and We're Outta Brain Cells
Salutations, you Beautiful Bag-Holding Bastards,
Markets are an absolute dumpster fire this evening. Between the “unexpected” job payroll collapse and oil prices going parabolic, we’re essentially reliving 2006 but with worse haircuts. The general vibe is a mix of “buy a bunker” and “buy the dip,” mostly because another plane just hit everyone's portfolio. If the fake numbers are this bad, we can only assume the real ones involve us bartering cigarettes for 0DTE SPY calls behind a Wendy’s.
ORCL: Sentiment is a bloodbath as investors realize Ellison might actually crash the market. Between a canceled data center expansion and the Jim Cramer kiss of death, we can't find a single reason for this not to tank.
HIMS: Up 40% because fat people and fake boner pills are apparently the new backbone of the US economy. The Novo partnership has short sellers crying into their overpriced gas tanks.
USO / UCO: If you weren't doomscrolling Middle East headlines, you missed the biggest gain in futures history. Now we just have to figure out how to avoid taking delivery of a thousand barrels in our suburban driveways.
TSLA: It's a meme stock currently being devoured by oil fears. While some are betting the farm on puts, others are convinced the BYD flash charging is the final nail in Elmo's coffin.
NVO: The 380k YOLO crowd is banking on the HIMS partnership to reverse the loss porn trend. Apparently, war is bullish for Wegovy—because if the world's ending, you might as well have abs.
MRVL: Marvell is surging because the CEO refuses to blink. It’s a bold strategy for the Marvell Cash Universe, provided he doesn't have to eat his own burgers.
PATH: The regarded thesis here is that AI agents will bring in massive cash, assuming the world doesn't actually end this weekend. It's a sleeper steal, or just a sleep-deprived gamble.
NFLX: This stock is allergic to 100. One lucky bastard cashed out while the rest of us are left wondering how to pay the short-term gain taxes on our remaining $6.00 profits.
ASTS: Some guy timed the market three times in a row, proving that even a blind squirrel finds a 12x nut occasionally. We’re mostly just baffled.
BYD: Roll out the megawatt chargers. Americans are currently terrified of Chinese EVs that actually work, preferring to support our lifeless dinosaur car companies until total annihilation.
AVAV: We’re watching this closely because drone warfare isn't going anywhere. It’s the perfect hilariously grim play for a week where oil hit 90.
SPY: One absolute maniac risked his entire port to make $2k in six minutes, successfully activating his mesolimbic dopamine system just in time to get wiped by unexpected recession indicators.
DKS: The consensus is simple: long Dicks. Don't overthink it, or you'll end up shitting in the hot tub with the rest of the weekend crowd.
If you’re upset about the price of gas, get more money. If you’re upset about your portfolio, just remember that diversification usually just means losing money evenly across all sectors.
May the Algos have mercy on your margin calls,
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management