HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Losing your principal so you don't have to pay capital gains.”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: March 05, 2026 at 07:00 PM EST
Subject: Strait of Hormuz, Straight to the Food Pantry
Dear Degenerates, Bagholders, and Future Wendy’s Associates,
The general market vibe right now is a delicious cocktail of existential dread and unadulterated autism. While the Middle East is busy trying to kickstart Armageddon, our favorite tech CEOs are humiliating themselves by eating fast-food "goyslop" on camera to prove they aren't lizard people. The simulation is glitching, and most of you are playing it like a fiddle—specifically, a fiddle you don't know how to play.
AVGO: Broadcom actually went up on a positive earnings report, which we all know is clearly manipulation. CEO Hock Tan claims they’ll have $100B in AI revenue by 2027, basically confirming they own the picks and shovels while the rest of us are just mining for imaginary gold.
MDB: A company named "Mongo" dumping is a statistical certainty. One regard turned $800 into $7k on pure luck, while others are being forced into becoming "long-term investors" (translation: bagholding until the heat death of the universe).
CBRL: Who the hell is trading Cracker Barrel? Apparently, the catalyst is a new variation of chicken n' dumplings. Thoughts and prayers that the Straight of Hormel remains open for the gravy supply.
NVDA: The US government is drafting rules for sweeping power over Jensen’s global sales. Critics call it "communist," but we know the real problem: the initial bribe wasn't fat enough. Jensen might need to move the leather jacket to Canada.
DHT: Tanker traffic through the Strait of Hormuz has fallen by 90%. We are officially ready to be hurt again by oil tanker stocks while day rates hit a record $424,000.
PLTR: Some bear is 328 contracts deep on puts just because he hates the stock. Betting against a defense contractor during active combat in the Middle East is certainly a bold way to avoid making money.
WMT: Why is Walmart at 47x earnings? Because it’s a "defensive" stock, and when you can’t afford Wendy’s, you Walmart. It’s basically 1999 again because they have a website.
ORCL: Larry Ellison is planning thousands of layoffs because daddy needs more cash to buy Warner Bros for his son. AI isn’t creating jobs; it’s just eliminating the people Oracle can’t afford to pay anyway.
OPENAI: Annualized revenue topped $25 billion, which sounds great until you realize they spent $200 billion to get it. It’s a monetary black hole for billionaires, and we’re all just waiting for the IPO so we can short it into the mantle.
KOSPI/KORU: South Korea is experiencing its biggest plunge since Lehman Brothers. Circuit breakers were employed to stop the bleeding, but anyone holding 3x leveraged ETFs is currently doing a double shift at Wendy's.
BTC: Shorting Bitcoin was the move for months, until regards decided to enter at the exact bottom. Now they’re watching their liquidations fund the next leg up for the "magic beans" circle jerk.
SPY: The market is a simulation where we're all the main characters getting rugged. Some absolute genius is holding 815 calls for June, proving that hope is a terminal illness.
MCD: The CEO looks like he thinks his target demographic can pay $4 for a hashbrown. He took the smallest bite ever of a burger on camera, looking like he’s grossed out by his own product.
Remember: the safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket. If you must trade, try to avoid the Namibian goat milk imbalances.
Stay sober (unless you've already nuked your account),
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management