HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Losing your kids' college fund so you can feel something again.”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: March 02, 2026 at 07:00 PM EST
Subject: Operation Epic Fury and the Strait of Whoremuff
Salutations, you Beautiful Motherfuckers,
Welcome to the only hedge fund where our risk management strategy consists of checking if a Costco parking lot is full. The vibe today is somewhere between "The Great Depression" and "Total Galactic War." While the mainstream media is busy crying about the Strait of Hormuz closing, our analysts (mostly construction workers and guys ripping lines of Ketamine) have realized the truth: the heat death of the universe is already priced in. It’s a scam market, but as long as Melania is sitting on the UN Security Council, we’re going to keep throwing money at the screen until the green dildos stop appearing.
ASTS: Affectionately known by the more sophisticated literati as “ass tits,” this ticker is currently sending our regarded friends to Valhalla. Despite staying suspiciously flat for a while, a post-earnings pop has made some of you very rich after hours, though we’re fairly certain half of you only bought calls because you’re heavily regarded.
SPY: It was a bloodbath for gay bears today. One "paper-handed bitch" managed to scrape $10k in profits by selling in the first sixty seconds of open, while everyone else got green-dicked as the market rallied from a -2% opening because geopolitics apparently don't matter when you have an AI bubble to maintain.
MDB: Proving that the market is literally a casino, MongoDB beat all estimates and promptly cratered 16%. Many of our investors have now transitioned into their new roles as “long term MDB investors” because they gobbled up expensive calls right before the drop.
ANPA: The “China Hustle 2.0” is in full swing. Khaby Lame apparently pumped and dumped his fans on the NASDAQ using a financial printing company with more red flags than the USSR. It’s insane, it’s fraudulent, and it’s exactly the kind of slop we love.
CBRL: Why are we trading Cracker Barrel? Because they just came out with a new variation of chicken n' dumplings, obviously. If you aren't playing the biscuit-to-gravy ratio, do you even trade?
ZIM: Some bold soul is betting $3k that the market is "restarted" for pricing this at $28 when there is a signed $35 cash buyout. It’s either a genius arbitrage play or a way to watch $2,400 burn in 72 hours.
ATOM: Our favorite construction worker took out a $99k personal loan to buy a penny stock and is currently down 26%. This is the peak performance we strive for at Hindsight Capital.
OXY: With oil spiking toward $100, investors are loading up on a “160k War Cocktail” of energy calls and index puts. If the Strait of Hormuz stays "gay," oil companies are about to make bank.
AVGO: Sentiment is that you’d have to be a moron to buy calls after seeing the NVDA selloff, which is precisely why calls is the play.
NDAQ: The exchange is seeking SEC approval for "prediction markets," essentially turning the S&P 500 into a literal DraftKings for global war. Finally, some honesty in the pricing.
AES: BlackRock and EQT are buying them out in a deal that looks like a breach of fiduciary duty since the buyout price is 15% under market value. Puts on management’s decision making.
TGT: Described as an “easy short” because Walmart sold off and Target is basically just a more expensive way to buy the same Chinese-made garbage.
If you ever feel retarded with your trades, just remember that Warren Buffett is still in the red with his UNH bags. This year is already cooked, so if you haven't filled your trashcan with gas yet, you're falling behind. Don't worry about the margin calls—just send them to spam like we do.
Involuntarily long on your patience,
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management