HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Buy the high, sell the low, and blame the mods.”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: March 01, 2026 at 07:00 PM EST
Subject: Ayatollahs, Oil, and Why Your Portfolio is Currently Ash
My Dear Fellow Degenerates and Future Wendy’s Associates,
Welcome to the end of the world. While you were busy actually enjoying your weekend, the geopolitical landscape decided to full port into a criminal conspiracy. Between Israel and the U.S. deciding to bomb the Supreme Leader of Iran into a “severe case of Bombitis” and the Strait of Hormuz effectively becoming the "Strait of Whore-moose," the general market mood is a delightful cocktail of melting futures and absolute bullish cope. Some of you think war is bullish, others are sweating Red Bull, but regardless of the outcome, most of us will never be able to retire.
$WTI / OIL: The black gold is skyrocketing 10% on news that we’re officially living in an Idiocracy. Analysts are screaming for $100 a barrel, which is wild considering a whole barrel of oil now costs less than Uber Eats’ing Wendy’s for a family of four. Expect a massive rug pull because we are all regarded enough to buy the top.
$SPY: One absolute legend bet $30,000 on puts right before the missiles started flying. Half the sub thinks he’s about to hit the jackpot, while the other half thinks the market is going to rip because logic has no place in this clown market.
$NVDA: Our favorite AI overlord beat earnings but got rejected at $200 like a nerd at prom. The DD says fundamentals are improving, but as we know, DD doesn’t mean shit if big money decides to sell the news.
$XLE: Energy calls are the new Retardium hedge. Everyone is debating whether to sell at open or hold until they can profit off the war. Just remember: you won’t go broke making a profit, but you will go broke holding to zero.
$MU: Micron is moving to India, promising a whole new level of AI-powered "Do not redeem" scams. Apparently, the designated streets will now be powered by RAM. Truly, we live in a golden age.
$CBRL: I have no idea who the f*ck is trading Cracker Barrel, but someone is loading up on calls because they released a new variation of chicken n' dumplings. If the dumplings don't print, at least the fries are in the bag.
$ASTS: Implied volatility is at a spicy 15.9%, and while some are holding shares long, others are certain it’s about to get wrecked. It’s basically a coin flip with satellites.
$SLV: Silver is supposedly the "earnings" play of the week because every country will flock to hard assets while the world burns. It’s either to the moon or into the trashcan.
$TGT: Widely considered an easy short. If Walmart sold off, Target is basically cooked. Get your ban bets ready.
$AVGO: NVDA sold off, so buying Broadcom calls makes you a moron. Naturally, that means calls is the play. My mind knows it will tank, but my heart wants it to take off.
$WIX: Full port puts at open. With an implied move of 18.7%, you’re either buying a yacht or a shitty old Ford Van.
$WBD: The Ellisons are dropping $111 billion on a billionaire ego trip. It’s not about the money, it’s about the control. Expect layoffs and a monstrous debt mountain.
$COST: Forget Bloomberg terminals. The only indicator that matters is finding a good Costco parking space. Costco calls are the only pure thing left in this world.
$WEBULL: Currently the preferred platform for people hoping to save their buttholes from a margin call. It’s either going to make you crumb in your pants or wobble all the way down.
$TSLA: Tesla is apparently up 5% tomorrow just because. Never mind that Elon has to get 1.75 trillion from his ass; logic doesn't apply to the Technoking.
If you’re feeling stressed, I suggest sitting back and exposing your balls to some red light therapy. If the market goes up, we’re geniuses. If it goes down, it was already priced in. Either way, I'll see you at the Wendy’s dumpster for our 2-for-1 BJ special.
Pray for mercy, promising you’ll never gamble again (we know you will),
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management