HINDSIGHT CAPITAL MANAGEMENT
“Losing your money faster than the speed of light so you don’t have to.”
To: Hindsight Global Investors
Date: February 12, 2026 at 07:00 PM EST
Subject: The "Dino Back" Special: When "Vibes" Meet the Meat Freezer
Fellow Bagholders and Future Wendy’s Associates,
Welcome to another day in this unbearably stupid economy, where AI is simultaneously destroying your job and your portfolio while we all wait for the books to be cooked to Michelin-star perfection. The general market mood is a mix of "I’m tired, boss" and a frantic search for Clifford and Shrek emojis. Between Pam Bondi calling the market top and the Dow dipping below 50k, our analysts (three raccoons in a trench coat) suggest that the only thing "trickling down" is a decrepit eagle with Alzheimer’s.
[HOOD]: The pure, unadulterated center of the storm. While some "dumbasses" are getting laughed at for their calls, others are literally betting their marriages on a moon mission. It’s either $100 a share or a rehab program for you lot.
[SPY]: Investors are evaporating their portfolios on 0DTE puts while the chart looks like a dinosaur. One particularly inspired degenerate lost his fiancé, cat, and life savings but still has meat in the freezer, so apparently, the bull run is still on in his off-grid shack.
[AMZN]: A true black belt in Autism™️ is betting on an 8% jump with zero catalysts. He’s essentially pressing the delete button on his bank account, but if it hits, we’re all going to Blue Origin.
[NBIS]: The AI savior that everyone loves despite the fact it will probably drop after "great earnings." One user is going goo goo gah gah over big numbers, forgetting they actually need to make a profit eventually.
[OPEN]: Opendoor manages to piss off the entire sub by having a fake earnings date on the calendar. One guy is already planning his Ferrari purchase and golf outfits, assuming he doesn't wake up from this dream first.
[ASTS]: "Ass and Titties" shareholders are currently getting diluted into the earth's core. Management is apparently shady as hell, but the cult following will buy every dip until they're diluted by 300%.
[PINS]: Pinterest is "undervalued" at a 6 P/E, yet it’s a site for women to create dream boards. The stock is tanking because the board is mostly AI slop and garbage ads.
[SLV]: Silver is getting its asshole ripped wide open by gey bears. Some lucky regards made $16k in 30 minutes, while the rest are scrambling for lotto calls.
[MSFT]: One trader is playing roulette with Microsoft, switching from calls to puts like a porn star getting it from both sides. He’s looking for tendies or Russian hookers.
[MCD]: McDonald's beat estimates because Americans love cancer-inducing treats and overpriced plastic burgers. Apparently, we’ll all be serving fries to our AI masters soon enough.
[TD]: Shorting Canadian banks is the most retarded thing you can do. Those cats up north play 17th dimensional chess while we’re busy eating paint chips.
[COIN]: Crypto volume is down, and bozos are shorting it, so of course, it can’t go down. One guy spent his chocolate and flower money on puts instead—good luck on the couch, buddy.
[SHOP]: Shopify is a Instagram impulse buy play, but the sentiment is a mix of "can it tank more?" and hoping for a mcgriddle.
[CVNA]: Shorting this outright manipulated cult stock actually worked for one lucky bastard, but don't hold your breath for a long fall.
[APP]: Applovin apparently made someone $100k last year, but the market doesn't care enough to beat and raise—it'll just pull a "Reddit."
At the end of the day, remember that money isn’t real. Diversification is just a fancy way to lose money on multiple tickers at once. If you’re feeling extra regarded, just remember to CTRL + Z to undo your trades.
Just put the fries in the bag, bro,
Hindsight Henry
Chief Investment Officer, Hindsight Capital Management